JORDAN EXPLAINS X-CUTIONER'S SONG TO NATE
2008-02-07 15:43:52
I’ve decided to create a header, so I don’t have to keep coming up with different ways to explain what this segment is. Here it is:
COMICS.
They used to be about a lot of different things (war, romance, crime, ducks). Now the only ones that sell in bulk have whiny guys in tights whining about their whininess.
FOOTBALL.
It’s the best thing in the world. College is football in its purest form, but the NFL will do in a pinch. And it’s almost always better than reading comics.
ONE man (Jordan) tries to get ANOTHER man (Nate) to read a comic instead of watching football.
LET IT BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!
I dunno. That works ok. Might change it later.
JORDAN EXPLAINS X-CUTIONER’S SONG TO NATE
NATE: The proofreaders must’ve been going out of their MINDS every time they saw that title.
JORDAN: I’m going to need a minute…I’m a little busy right now.
NATE: Oh. Ok.
(click)
Daddy was a cop!
On the east siiiiiiide of Chicago!
Back in the U.S.A.!
Back in the bad ol’ day!
In the heat of a summer niiiiiiiiiiight
In the land of the dollar biiiiiiiiiiiill
When the town of Chicago diiiiiiiiiied
And they talk about it still
When a man named Al Capone
Tried to make that town his own
And he called his gang to war
With the forces of the law
I heard my maaaaaama cry
I heard her pray the niiiiiight Chicaaaaaago diiiiiiiiiied
(weorweorweow er ewwwwwwwwwww)
Brother what a night it really was
Brother what a fight it really was
Glory beeeeeeeeeee
I heard my maaaaaama cry
I heard her pray the niiiiiiight Chicaaaaaaaago diiiiiiiiied
(weorweorweow er ewwwwwwwwwww)
Brother what a night the people saw
Brother what a fight the people saw
Yes indeeeeee-
(click)
Ready yet?
JORDAN: Yes.
Cable shoots Professor X with a bullet that infects him with a techno-organic virus. Meanwhile, Caliban kidnaps Cyclops and Jean Grey. It’s all a scheme by the duo of Mr. Sinister (who is pretending to be Apocalypse) and Stryfe (who is a Cable doppelganger, and who actually shot the Prof). The X-Men scramble about, fight X-Force, fight the MLF, and attack Apocalypse, who they incorrectly think is behind it. In the end, all the villains betray each other, Cable saves Cyclops and Jean, Stryfe reveals that either he or Cable is their lost son, and the Legacy Virus is released.
It was painful to try to do that in 100 words.
NATE: Excuse me while I run screaming in terror at the notion of trying to comprehend any of this.
JORDAN: OK, I can’t say I blame you. The wikipedia plot summary weighs in at a whopping 997 words, and even that is sort of hard to follow. OK, let me make it even simpler.
Stryfe shoots professor X, pretending to be Cable. He gets found out. He and Cable look alike because one of them is Cyclops’ son, and the other is a copy. Uh-oh, there’s a virus that’s eventually going to kill all mutants. The End.
Oh, you know what I forgot to put into my original thing? Apocalypse saves the Professor’s life because the X-Men save him from Sinister’s men. So that’s how the Prof lived. And later, Archangel gets ‘revenge’ on Apocalypse by NOT killing him when he begs to die. So, there’s your Apocalypse character arc, a victim of the 100 word restriction.
You got all that, now?
NATE: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s like you’re trying to explain it to me Memento-style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JORDAN: Ok… I’ll give you a moment to catch you breath and calm down. Do you want to listen to your song again?
NATE: Yes.
(click)
Brother what a night the people saw
Brother what a fight the people saw
Yeeeeeeeees indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
And the sound of the battle raaaaaaaaaaaaaaang
(weeeeeeeeeeeeeeorrrrrrrrr)
Through the streets of the old east siiiiiiiiiiiiiide--
(click)
I’m back.
I have many questions. But I am first going to boil this down to its simplest (HA!) form:
Stryfe, a clone of Cable (who is Cyclops’ son from the future), shoots Professor X with a bullet that’s got a techno-organic virus in it--
Wait, let’s stop right there.
WHY does he shoot him with a techno-organic bullet? Did he run out of regular bullets? Cuz they kill people real good.
JORDAN: So far, you’re dead on. Why use a techo-organic virus? Well… (get ready for your head to explode some more) Stryfe thinks HE’S the real son of Cyclops, and he’s upset because when he was a baby, Apocalypse infected him with the Techno-Organic Virus, which made Cyclops and Jean have to give him up to be raised in the future, where these things are not as deadly. So, I think it’s all supposed to be a form of payback, or such. That’s also why he’s mad at Cyclops and Apocalypse. It all stems from that. As to why he does that to the Professor specifically… I actually have no answer to that. I am pretty sure Scott and Jean were in X-Factor when they sent young Nathan to the future, and the Professor was not around. I guess he just figured he’d mess with the X-Men at the same time as he got revenge. ALSO, the Legacy Virus (which he releases at the end) is also a Techno-Organic virus, one that kills mutants.
NATE: Wait…I…I can do this. I can care for just one…more…second…
Stryfe, a clone of Cable (who is Cyclops’ son from the future), shoots Professor X with a bullet that’s got a techno-organic virus in it, because he’s mad at Apocalypse for infecting him (or…Cable) with the virus that forced Cyclops to shoot him (or…Cable) into the future, where he could be kinda/sorta cured.
No…this doesn’t make sense. We need Will Panzo.
PANZO!!!!!!!
PANZO: Yes?
NATE: Welcome, special guest-star Assistant X-Editor Will Panzo.
Tell me, in fifty words or less, WHY on God’s green earth did the clone of Cable shoot Professor X with a bullet that sloooooooowly didn’t kill him.
PANZO: His goal wasn’t to kill Professor X but to punish the X-Men, who he viewed as the family he never had, particularly Cyclops (his presumed father) and Jean (the closest he could get to his mother). Also, Stryfe was an anarchist. He liked to sow chaos.
JORDAN: 46 words. Nicely done. So, I was basically right in what I said.
NATE: I want to hurt both of you with sticks.
So Diet Cable shoots Professor X with a sniffle bullet because he didn’t get enough hugs in the clone future.
After this, the X-Men go out and fight (SURPRISE!) other X-Men/-Factors/-Forces, then they fight Apocalypse. THEN…what?
JORDAN: Oh, God, you’re going to make me say it all again?!? Will, help, please?
PANZO: Then a lot of other stuff happens. Most of it is awesome. And the parts that aren’t awesome are The Sweetness. Eventually, Apocalypse escapes and is attacked by Stryfe (cause Stryfe hates the good guys and the bad guys … anarchist and all). Apocalypse is badly injured and in his weakened state seeks sanctuary with the X-Men. He heals Xavier as a good-faith gesture and everyone heads off to the moon – yes, THAT moon – for the showdown with Stryfe.
NATE: What? WHAT!?!?!?!?!? This is…this doesn’t…now I’m MAD. I’m going to crack this.
Diet Cable hates everything, so he shoots Baldy with a cough gun. The X-Men get mad, they fight everyone (like they always do), then they fight Apocalypse, who gets away, but Diet Cable shoots him with…I assume a leprosy cattle prod of some kind. Apocalypse needs a place to stay, so he goes to the X-Men and heals Baldy, then they all go up to the moon to fight Diet Cable. And they win.
Is that it? Please say that’s it.
JORDAN: Well… you left out the part about, um, Diet Cable kidnapping Cable parents and Cable Classic saving them. But, basically, yeah, that’s it.
PANZO: As a reader, that’s a lot of rawk for your buck.
NATE: Uh-huh.
Jordan, what do think my decision is going to be?
JORDAN: Unless football has changed its format so that you have to know the family lineage and personal history of every player in order to understand any given game, I have a sneaking suspicion you’re going to watch football.
NATE: This post took two days and two assistant editors to explain to me, and I STILL don’t understand why Stryfe shot Professor X, Daddy issues or not.
So football would obviously win, but that really doesn’t feel like enough for X-Cutioner’s Song. The dread I would feel while having to make sense of this story feels palpable and sliceable with plastic implements. So, not only are we at WFI (Watch Football Instead) level, let’s take it one step further:
awesome This is the best blog ever. Please please please keep this going. Any chance you can incorporate other companies' storylines? I would like to see if Nate's head explodes if Crisis is explained to him.
Posted by joeshan on 2008-02-07 16:32:35
this blog never fails to disappoint, not to mention i get to read concise explanations of old marvel arcs, and thats cool too, Keep em comin!
Diet Cable: The Clone with childhood issues, coming to a theatre near you!
Posted by peterparker4907 on 2008-02-07 23:39:19
Wait You didn't mention the limited edition cards that came with each issue...which was, I seem to remember, important?
Posted by PseudoSherlock on 2008-02-08 11:42:18
Oh, yeah... that sounds vaguely familiar... this was around the "polybagged with cards" era. And a quick check of wikipedia confirms that there were cards involved. Not that that would have swayed anyone in this blog, methinks.
Posted by Jordan D. White on 2008-02-08 13:40:51
"this blog never fails to disappoint" HA! Funny line!!!!
I was going to buy this from my local comic shop, but you talked me out of it. I will now go use that money to support my WNBA team instead. Thanks!
Posted by bigdaddyhub2 on 2008-02-08 14:55:58
Will Panzo is a prophet of truth. X-Cutioner's Song is one of the greatest stories ever told.
Shame on you, Jordan, for not standing up to big bag Nate on this one.
Posted by Ben Morse on 2008-02-08 16:04:48
What was I supposed to do?
Look, say what you want about the quality of this comic, it's VERY complicated to explain, and that's what I was trying to do.
Though, I must say, Kraven's Last Hunt was better.
Posted by Jordan D. White on 2008-02-08 16:27:55
Heh Look, I read it, and liked it, and I STILL can't follow the summary. This is not a good one to pick up from the trailer. To use a grandiose analogy, it's like trying to adequately capture war and piece on the back of a placemat. Good effort, though!
Posted by Muldrate on 2008-02-08 17:07:12
huhuhuhuh i love this article.wwnbai.lol.
i hope this lasts for a long time to come.poor jordan....hes the stilt man of the marvel team,always trying to be a hero but only occasionally winning.sorry stilt man was all i could think of.why don't you guys do thor the eternals saga.that would be hilarious
Posted by thingblood12 on 2008-02-08 21:45:46
WNBA Dude, not to get on you, but there is really no reason in the world that you should want to watch the WNBA. Helll No!!! with three L's. No way! Don't get me wrong that story is chaos but WNBA :shakeshead: that's just wrong.
Now if you'd said golf, well then, I have to agree. But, let's not sink as low as WNBA.
On a side note, I don't think anything can get me to stop watching WVB.
Posted by toneloak on 2008-02-08 23:04:48
This is the funniest thing I've ever read. Diet Cable ? I would have laughed harder, but it's not even 5 in the morning and everyone is asleep. lol
Posted by Cosmic_Avenger on 2008-02-09 04:48:07
Love this blog!
Posted by Burnttuna on 2008-02-09 11:17:23
All X-Men crossovers are Byzantine. As soon as they began spinning off extra titles and doing these yearly "EVENTS" it got impossible for the casual fan (not that there are any left). Other X-Men events aren't any less convoluted. I can't wait to read your summary of
Onslaught, House of M, or Messiah CompleX. Or best of all Age of Apocalypse. I love Age of Apocalypse, bought all 4 volumes of the trades but I wouldn't even begin to try to explain it to someone who isn't a devoted comic fan.
I bet Nate would love Nextwave:Agents of HATE though:
About this blog: By day, he’s a mild-mannered comic book editor! By night, he’s an obsessive sports fan!
By early morning, he drinks coffee and then runs! He’s Nathan Cosby, and he has thoughts about things.
This is them.
About the author: When Associate Editor Nathan Cosby is not thinking about football, he edits Marvel’s All-Ages books, including the Marvel Adventures line (Spidey, FF, Avengers, Super Heroes), X-Men and Wolverine First Class, Franklin Richards, Mini Marvels, and Power Pack, works on the Marvel Illustrated and Stephen King books, does the Custom Comics, and runs Super Hero Squad. There’s like 20 other things he does, but he’s bored with typing this.
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