Total Senioritis going on at the office today, what with the pagan bunny coming to give us his eggs and such over the weekend.
So I was trying to balloon WOLVERINE FIRST CLASS #2, and my buddy Tim comes in the office and tells me about this game called “Gun, Ninja, Bear.” Basically, it’s like Rock, Paper, Scissors. The rules are: Gun beats Bear, Ninja beats Gun, Bear beats Ninja.
This is ridiculous.
NATE: Tim!
TIM: Yo.
NATE: This game is bull.
You’re telling me that I can defeat a bear with a gun, but not a ninja?
TIM: Exactly. Have you ever heard of a ninja killing a bear? Nope.
Gun killing a bear? Yep. It’s science, Nate.
NATE: What really gets me is that I gave you the example of Indiana Jones shooting that sword guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but y’said that’s not valid, because the sword guy’s not a ninja. He’s no different from a ninja! They’re both in black.
Also, you’re telling me that a ninja can’t sneak up on a bear and slice his head off? Ridiculous. Surely some ninja somewhere’s tasted bear flesh.
TIM: That guy was not a ninja, he was a swordsman. A ninja does not show-off like a 12 year-old baton twirler and then attack. Ninjas lie in wait then pounce when the time is right, like a puma. And just because they both wear black doesn’t mean they are the same. That’s outfitist of you to think such a thing. I also heard ninjas don’t eat their kills, they leave them where they fall as a warning to others. So no, a ninja has never tasted bear flesh.
Plus I don’t think ninjas and bears are native to the same places.
NATE: But you’re proving my Ninja-beats-bear argument! Ninjas can lie in wait, watch a bear chilling out, rubbing against trees, thinkin’ ‘bout salmon, and then SLICE! Bear defeated.
TIM: Slice with what? Ninja stars would just stick in the bear and make him angrier while a ninja sword probably couldn’t’ cut all the way through the bear’s blubbery thick hide.
Any scenario here ends in the bear mauling and eating the ninja.
NATE: BLUBBERY THICK HIDE!? Bears aren’t whales! Where are these bulbous clawed creatures you’re talking about?
ALSO! There are TONS of bears in Asia! Including pandas! You’re telling me a seasoned ninja warrior can’t take down a little panda?
TIM: If you want to get into classifications of ninjas and bears a full grown hungry angry polar bear would devastate a seasoned ninja warrior and day of the year.
Plus aren’t panda bears marsupials or something?
NATE: You are the dumbest dumb man in the world! Pandas are BEARS! And even if it’s a fierce polar bear, the only way a ninja wouldn’t slice a bear to pieces is if the bear was wearing shogun armor.
We’re gonna keep talking about this! I’ve gotta go fly to Mississippi now. See ya next week.
Ninja beats bear I saw a segment on the Planet Earth miniseries where a hungry polar bear couldn't even kill a walrus. In fact the walrus injured the bear pretty badly. Now, I have no doubt a ninja could kill a walrus, so if Ninja beats walrus, and walrus beats bear, then Ninja definitely beats bear.
Wait, what was I talking about again?
Posted by joeshan on 2008-03-21 12:52:58
Outfitist? Personally, I'd have to agree with the Bear Beats Ninja scenario. I once saw a clip on TV (this is where all facts come from nowadays, clearly) of a baby polar bear getting mad at a feeder at a zoo. It scared the crud out of me. I'm never going to look at bears the same way.
I think you've seen too many stuffed examples and Disney movies to understand the true reality of bears. They're quite vicious and I would imagine they'd shrug off someone cutting them with a sword. In the end the bear might bleed to death, but still, a mauling would be the order of the day...
Don't think so? Go wrap a chunk of meat in 300 pounds of fat and leather and hack away at it with a sword. I bet you it barely (no pun intended) makes a dent. Too much give.
Posted by PseudoSherlock on 2008-03-21 14:04:38
Pagan Bunny The bunny comment is amusing, however.
Posted by PseudoSherlock on 2008-03-21 14:05:06
I've seen a variation of this... ...called Ninja, Bear, Pirate. Same basic principle, cuz the pirate's main weapon would be his gun that he'd use to shoot the bear. and since everyone knows that pirates are drunk 120% of the time, theres no way he'd be able to aim steady enough to shoot a fast moving ninja. Also, someone should figure out how to involve robots in this. I'd love to see a ninja/bear/pirate/robot free-for-all.
Posted by cryhavok01 on 2008-03-21 14:38:26
Mehh. Pirates beat all. :P
Posted by LOTRKing on 2008-03-22 11:37:39
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About this blog: By day, he’s a mild-mannered comic book editor! By night, he’s an obsessive sports fan!
By early morning, he drinks coffee and then runs! He’s Nathan Cosby, and he has thoughts about things.
This is them.
About the author: When Associate Editor Nathan Cosby is not thinking about football, he edits Marvel’s All-Ages books, including the Marvel Adventures line (Spidey, FF, Avengers, Super Heroes), X-Men and Wolverine First Class, Franklin Richards, Mini Marvels, and Power Pack, works on the Marvel Illustrated and Stephen King books, does the Custom Comics, and runs Super Hero Squad. There’s like 20 other things he does, but he’s bored with typing this.
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