JORDAN EXPLAINS THE ETERNALS TO NATE
2008-07-25 02:27:20
COMICS.
They used to be about a lot of different things (war, romance, crime, ducks). Now the only ones that sell in bulk have whiny guys in tights whining about their whininess.
FOOTBALL.
It’s the best thing in the world. College is football in its purest form, but the NFL will do in a pinch. And it’s almost always better than reading comics.
ONE man (Jordan) tries to get ANOTHER man (Nate) to read a comic instead of watching football.
LET IT BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!
JORDAN EXPLAINS THE ETERNALS TO NATE
NATE: I think we need to commit to doing this segment once a week, no matter what. That way we can build up a fan base of…at least 7 or 8 people. Whatcha say?
JORDAN: Sounds like a plan. There are probably enough Marvel Comics out there to keep us going for a few months at least.
NATE: Right!
Ok, I hate the Eternals. Tell me why I should not.
JORDAN: Because starting from the whole “alien astronauts visited ancient societies” idea that was so big in the '70s, Jack Kirby cooked up this insane cosmology in which they figure, and it’s just crazy enough to be entertaining. I mean, that whole thing was debunking bigtime 30 years ago, but this comic grew from that ridiculous seed before we knew it to be ridiculous, and it has blossomed into a completely insane tree, worming its roots into the very core of the Marvel Universe.
NATE: Man, you pushed that tree analogy as far as it could go.
All right, so you’ve explained the intention of Kirby Appleseed to plant a Thought Oak on the West End of the Marvel Plantation. But that doesn’t tell me why I shouldn’t hate it. I mean, I’ll bet at SOME point in the production process, even Michael Bay’s movies have decent/understandable/interesting ideas. They just never make it to the screen.
Every time I try to read Eternals, my eyes glaze over.
JORDAN: Do your eyes glaze over reading mythology? See, the Eternals are made from regular humans, but they were made into the embodiments of “perfection”. As such, people criticize them a lot, saying they’re not relatable because they so above humans. But really, it’s just like reading old myths about Greek or Norse gods. In fact, part of the concept of Eternals is that they ARE those Gods (or what inspired the myths about them, anyway). Like those Gods, the Eternals, while being all powerful, still will sometimes fight amongst themselves, or get angry or be full of themselves, or whatnot.
JORDAN: Ok, so you’re obviously not into mythology (Mr. Assistant-editor-on-Hercules). Well, then, it has a bunch of powerful good looking people beating the crap out of ugly deformed monster people under the gaze of giant aliens larger than sky scrapers.
NATE: But it doesn’t have a coyote puppy.
JORDAN: No, but in the new series, there is a regular puppy. Come on, the general setup is that these huge alien Celestials came to Earth, made a bunch of people awesome, made another bunch ugly and deformed, and told them to have at it. And the ensuing battles throughout all time were the foundation of all the ideas of gods and monsters by all the religions and superstitions of the world. How is that not interesting?
NATE: Well-
1. There’re too many characters (which is the same thing that keeps Legion of Super Heroes from being great (although Waid & Kitson came close).)
2. They were created, then everybody copied them, but they’re still here. And they can’t REALLY die, so there’s no stakes (I don’t wanna hear any explanation that they can die. No they can’t.).
3. Celestials are about as interesting as potted plants. Only with less personality.
JORDAN: All right.
1. The Legion is really cool. And I don’t think there are more Eternals than Avengers or (especially) X-Men.
2. If people copied them, then they were clearly interesting. And, no, they CAN’T really die. But neither can Spidey or Wolverine or Iron Man.
3. The Celestials (much like potted plants) are all about the visuals. And you don’t have to water Celestials. THEY WATER YOU!
Even as I wrote this, though, I realize that I am arguing that the Eternals is not any less interesting than other comics… which presupposes you like other comics.
NATE:
1. There are too many people on all of those teams. More than seven members on a team is ridiculous (I cap it at seven because Morrison’s JLA initial team was perfect). More than that, and you might as well call ‘em the Legion Committee or The X-City. How can I care if there are no main characters? Legion would be cool if there were five of them. Avengers would be cool if the team would stop changing. X-Men would ONLY be cool if the original five were on the team and it was written by Jeff Parker.
2. That’s why I don’t read those either. And just cuz something’s copied doesn’t mean it was good: Black licorice, cars with crappy gas mileage, the first Charlie’s Angels movie…
3. Visuals. Pft.
JORDAN: Well, I don’t think there is much I can say to convince you then, other than to lie and say they have a bulldog and play college football in the series. I guess that’s what I get when you start out the entry saying you hate this comic. Why you shouldn’t? Because you’re missing out on Cosmic Cataclysms as only the King can concoct! Aside from that, I guess you’ll have to stick with Morrison’s JLA (who also run no risk of dying, by the way).
NATE: Aztek died!
JORDAN: … I don’t know who that is.
Obviously no one huge. And if anyone really cared who he was, he’d have been resurrected by now. He might be anyway.
NATE: You don’t know who…YOU DON’T KNOW WHO AZTEK THE ULTIMATE MAN IS!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!? JEEZ!!!!!!! Have you EVER read a comic that ain’t Marvel??????????????????????
I can’t believe this. I’m sittin’ here listening to you drone on all day about Eternals and trees and Celestials and roots and the idea that Iron Man is cool and YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO AZTEK THE ULTIMATE MAN IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey! All four of you people reading this! Can someone please explain Aztek the Ultimate Man in 100 words or less in the bottom respondy thing? Whoever does the best job will get their explanation posted in our next installment, wherein Mr. White will probably try to spend seven hours trying to explain Foolkiller to me, and then get confused when I ask him who Green Lantern is…
Well, he's all about your gods and goddesses so by right Nate should hate and Jordan should love. Champion of the Aztec deities, he's got a magic costume powered by a 4D mirror in his helmet that gives whatever powers Grant Morrison and Mark Millar wanted him to have. Joins the JLA, but it turns out he was always funded by Luthor. Twist! Hey, does this mean Jordan hasn't read Morrison's JLA either???
Posted by RichJohnston on 2008-07-24 12:34:01
Sadly, it does. I didn't start reading DC until around Bruce Wayne: Murderer. I've read a lot of older stuff since then, but Morrison's JLA I have not picked up yet.
Posted by Jordan D. White on 2008-07-24 13:00:24
Aztek was raised by the Q Society to be a champion for the Aztec gods Quetzalcoatl. He was given a suit that was powered by a 4- dimensional mirror, which somehow let him do like more than Superman. He was created to battle the Aztec god Tezcatlipoca. Aztek joins the JLA but later resigns after finding out that the Q Society was financed by Lex Luthor. Aztek eventually sacrifices’ himself to give Superman time to destroy Mageddon/Tezcatlipoca.
Posted by arbearce on 2008-07-24 16:46:28
In 100 words or less... Who gives a crap about Aztek the Ultimate Man! WFI!!!!
Posted by jjp69 on 2008-07-24 19:34:35
Sorry Nate, I was going to give some bio info on Aztek but I was distracted by Redskins training camp updates.
Posted by ctwillis on 2008-07-25 10:26:25
Array
Enter a response to this blog post:
About this blog: By day, he’s a mild-mannered comic book editor! By night, he’s an obsessive sports fan!
By early morning, he drinks coffee and then runs! He’s Nathan Cosby, and he has thoughts about things.
This is them.
About the author: When Associate Editor Nathan Cosby is not thinking about football, he edits Marvel’s All-Ages books, including the Marvel Adventures line (Spidey, FF, Avengers, Super Heroes), X-Men and Wolverine First Class, Franklin Richards, Mini Marvels, and Power Pack, works on the Marvel Illustrated and Stephen King books, does the Custom Comics, and runs Super Hero Squad. There’s like 20 other things he does, but he’s bored with typing this.
)
save this link
