Sound the trumpets, Marvel faithful! It is time for the most epic series of athletic contests, the most anticipated event of the year, the most celebrated spectacle in all the Marvel Universe--the 2010 Marvel Winter Games!
With two weeks of solid Winter Games action on tap, the "Marvel Super Heroes: What The--?!" team will provide daily video and news updates about all your favorite events. From figure skating to ice hockey to cross-country skiing and more, M.O.D.O.K., Gremlin, She-
By Ben Morse
Ever since they burst on the scene in a haze of hellfire and brimstone during the Opening Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Games, questions and mysteries have surrounded the enigmatic Team Transylvania like teenage boys surrounding the Atlantean women's locker room.
These questions include...
How did they get here? Why are they being allowed to compete when most are known murderers? Is Transylvania really a country? And of course: Man-Thing? Really?
Today we hope to get to the bottom of these and other important issues as we take an up close and personal look at the bad boys from the seriously wrong side of the tracks-and by "tracks" we mean...something else-Team Transylvania!
The Prince of Darkness and spiritual leader of the Transylvanian squad has been referred to as a cunning and charismatic mix of Bela Karolyi and Bela Lugosi, based on his keen strategic mind, powerful motivational speeches, and the fact that Lugosi portrayed him in several feature films. Though his inability to be exposed to direct sunlight lest he risk being burnt to a crisp prevents him from participating in any outdoor events, it certainly has not cast a shadow on his enthusiasm for competition.
"I vant to suck your blood," replied the Lord of the Undead when asked his motivation for bringing a team to this year's Games. "But in all seriousness, I am just extremely proud of the heritage of both my family and country and am looking to do both proud with our showing here. Did you know that my grandfather Vlad Senior was a champion javelin thrower? No, the irony of my ancestor excelling at throwing a pointy wooden stick with precision is not lost on me."
WEREWOLF BY NIGHT
Werewolf By Night
Though technically an American citizen, Jack Russell awoke in one of Dracula's torture chambers in tattered rags with no memory of the previous evening and was quickly recruited for the Transylvanian team; U.S. officials have lodged no official protest.
"My existence is a tortured tapestry of forgotten nights and lonely days, my life is truly not my own," lamented Russell." That said, I'm really looking forward to my events."
Primary among those events: cross country skiing, which Russell has become a seasoned pro at thanks to years of fleeing the authorities and pitchfork-wielding mobs the world over. The only weakness in this competitor's game could be the full moon projected for the time of his competition, which will assuredly cause his terrible lycanthropic curse to manifest and render him incapable of following any rules or even simple directions.
"Are you freaking kidding me?!" screamed an outraged Russell upon hearing the scheduling news and attempting to maul this reporter before being tasered and dragged away.
It's been said "Whatever knows fear burns at the Man-
"It's weird, right?" noted Dracula of Man-
While most judges have suffered either immolation or severe vomiting upon beholding the Man-
"I am still wiping away tears and the charred flesh of my contemporaries," testified one Winter Games official who requested anonymity but is J. Jonah Jameson.
The self-proclaimed "Baddest of the Bad Boys," Doctor Michael Morbius minces no words when it comes to self-promotion.
"That fossil Dracula is lucky the Vampire of Virility has deigned to be a part of his little freakshow," boasted the one-time Nobel Prize-winning biochemist. "I came up with that nickname, by the way. I've got plenty of coffee mugs, t-shirts and tea cozies with those and my other slogans. I'm in this for the fame, the fortune, and the sweet, sweet ladies who can't get enough of pale undead dudes, brother."
"The kid's a stake in the butt, but I must say, he rides a snowboard like a bat out of hell," conceded Dracula."
HOWARD THE DUCK
Howard The Duck
We have no idea why Howard the Duck is on this team.
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