By Eric Drumm
Hello Internetz! Cape Chaser, your number one hero gossip source keeps our ear to the ground to bring you the hottest gossip this side of Latveria! This week our spies spotted not only those Hollywood hotties the Order but also the mother of all superteams, the Mighty Avengers!
Malibu may be on fire at the moment, but the real action in L.A. heated up downtown with the Order. Fighting off those Zobo creatures with all the grace and style of an overweight ballerina, California's Initiative team showed they may be able to keep pace with super gross cyborg zombie bums, but the Avengers they ain't. These folks are amateurs at best! It's a good thing most of these media darlings have day jobs, because our sources indicate they could split at any minute! Anthem and Veda used to be movie stars, so when they get done playing superhero maybe they can go back to what they do best—entertaining us! Initial reports said ol' Henry Hellrung may have had his eyes on his shapely teammate, but new rumors place Anthem's heart with another woman—possibly one working behind the scenes. If either romance ends up happening, we said it first!
At least fashion disaster Mullholland Black didn't tag along on the latest Order mission to crap things up. Once they get this Zobo thing sorted out, we suggest Tony Stark invests the rest of his budget in a new wardrobe for Mulholland and Supernaut. Dreadful!
THE ORDER #6
Tinsel Town might have cyborg zombies, but the Big Apple has got it's own share of hot hero action! One of our readers e-mailed us a report of the bizarre events taking place over the skies of New York City. The Mighty Avengers appear to be battling the killer robot Ultron if overheard chatter is to be believed, but the baddie in question looks more like Angelina Jolie crossed with the T-1000 to us! Way hot! The Sentry has been knocking the goo out of her while the rest of the Mighty Avengers lick their wounds, says our source. Wonder Man managed to keep his sunglasses on, though. Always a professional, that one! Can't say the same for the rest of them, unfortunately. Who does Ms. Marvel think she is with those boots? We don't care if she's got weird Kree powers, that footwear belongs in a shop window in Times Square. Totally ew!
A little birdie tells us that that hunk-o-man Ares might have something up his sleeve, so we wait with bated breath to see what he's up to. But seriously guy, haven't you ever heard of man-scaping? Those hairy shoulders have got to go. We dig the whole Greek god thing, but yer killin' us! And take a shower while you're at it! Oh, where is that dashing Tony Stark when you need him? Invading a county or enjoying a flock of supermodels is our guess.
That's it for now, kids! Stay tuned for the all the latest hero gab on the most snarktastic media machine on the web, Cape Chaser!
MIGHTY AVENGERS #6 by Brian Michael Bendis and Frank Cho as well as THE ORDER #6 by Matt Fraction and Barry Kitson both hit stands on December 19.