Who Won't Wield The Shield: Heroes For Humor

Three terrifically talented writers reveal who won't be getting anywhere near Captain America's famous shield

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CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHO WON'T WIELD THE SHIELD #1 cover by Gerald Parel
By Jim Beard

Who will wield the shield? Been there, answered that. Now, the real question is: Who won't be taking possession of the famous piece of protective gear? It's too easy to say "everybody else," the answer's much more complicated--and hilarious--than that!

On April 21 Marvel Comics proudly unveils the one-shot nobody asked for: CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHO WON'T WIELD THE SHIELD? The answers, as provided by writers Matt Fraction, Jason Aaron and Stuart Moore in three mercilessly funny tales, may shock you!

First up to bat is the surprisingly scintillating Jason Aaron, who pulls not a rabbit out of his hat, but a pair of long johns?

"My story features Forbush Man as you've never seen him!" he boldly claims.  "Plus guest appearances by some of the hottest creators at Marvel Comics!  And me too!  Plus, someone will die!  No actually, everyone will die!

CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHO WON'T WIELD THE SHIELD #1 art by Mirco Pierfederici
"Forbush Man has to be the longest suffering hero at Marvel. Surely the guy deserves a break at this point. I mean, c'mon, he's spent the last 40 years with a pot on his head!"

Yeah, yeah; but could ol' Irving Forbush beat Steve Rogers in a fight?

"I thought Steve Rogers was dead," says Aaron.  "What kind of fight would that be?"

If you survived that Aaron-nation, please welcome the supremely sly Matt Fraction, who provides WHO WON'T WIELD THE SHIELD with a bit of magic--or maybe some slight-of-hand...

"Dr. Stephen Rogers, transformed by the Super-Satan formula into the pentagram-bespangled sentinel of the arcane, Doctor America," notes the writer of his contribution. "On behalf of the Undergovernment he goes mano eeeee mano with Richard Milhous Manson, aka the sinister Red Dick, and his genocidal assistant Bebe Rebeyonder to save the soul of the swinging, sinister, '60s."

CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHO WON'T WIELD THE SHIELD #1 art by Brendan McCarthy
Yeah, yeah; but does Doc America deserve to wield the shield?

"Well, he hangs out with Baal the Goatboy," says Fraction. "Point: Doctor America."

And when he's put up to a fight with Steve Rogers?

"Who's got the better record collection?" Fraction asks. "Point: Doctor America. Stay dead, blondie! The good doctor is in."

Hang on, True Believers! You only have to suffer through commentary with one more unwieldy writer, namely the sensationally sufficient Stuart Moore!

"I'm privileged to introduce 'Wheezy' Wilson, the Golden Age Deadpool," boasts Moore. "He's there right at the creation of Captain America's famous shield, and...well, yes, there is hilarity. And mirth, plus a bit of levity. A small dash of risibility, too."

We feel we must also pose that "fighting Steve Rogers" question to Mr. Moore, too. He's such a nice guy and all.

"Well, it'd be very confusing," notes the confused writer. "GADP--as I call him--would probably think he was fighting a giant, red-white-and-blue animated-cartoon crow; and Steve wouldn't understand why this raggedy figure in a World War I gas mask was on his case. But I imagine Cap would prevail in the end, as always."

And so shall you, Marveldom Assembled, should you pick up a copy of CAPTAIN AMERICA: WHO WON'T WIELD THE SHIELD on April 21. 'Nuff said!

 

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      8 comments
      Saqism
      Saqism

      He'd probably be a Golden Age villain turned modern age hero.

      bds197485
      bds197485

      It's kind of hard to peg Deadpool just right as a Golden Age figure. Since humor wasn't seen in the comic books back then as it is now, this was the only way that I could compare DP to the cynical Joker.

      Saqism
      Saqism

      Probably more like the Flash.

      bds197485
      bds197485

      Deadpool might have been like the Joker in the Golden Age.

      Saqism
      Saqism

      Deadpool's bit sound very interesting. I've wondered about what Deadpool, a character created in the nineties, would have been like created in the Golden Age.

      ageightyeight
      ageightyeight

      I love it when the industry doesn't take itself too seriously. Great opportunity to get some mileage out of the "Shield" deal before someone else takes a poke. I've got a feeling though this will be one of those one shots that people might not pick up right away and when they try it won't be there.Wasp for Valkyrie and Bill Foster for Frost Giant in 2010!