By Tim Stevens
The following is an excerpted transcript of a couple's therapy session with Deadpool (Wade Wilson) and an alternate dimension Deadpool's zombie head, which talks, and will be referred t, simply as "Headpool" going forward. They sat with Tim Stevens for the session.
DEADPOOL: So, it's been awhile. How have you been?
TIM STEVENS: Fine, Wade...fine.
DP: Has your ol' lady been getting the flowers?
TS: Yes, and again, I have to ask you to please stop that.
DP: Oh, you know I would, but I have to give the ladies what they want. I can't help it if she's all about the 'Pool.
TS: She's not all ab-You know what, never mind. As I have told you before, I do not discuss my personal life with clients. You are the focus here.
|Deadpool & Headpool|
TS: She screamed and ran away.
HP: Yeah, she did!
TS: Right. Anyway, from what I am told you two have be-
HP: I'm hungry.
TS: I'm sorry to hear that...what do I call you again?
HP: Head's fine.
TS: Great...Head, I'm sorry to hear you are hungry, but right now, we have to focus on the therapy.
HP: Right, right...I got it.
TS: Good. As I was saying, you have both been having difficulty communicating with-
HP (whispering): Hey Doc-
TS (ignoring HP): -each other and it is beginning to have an-
HP (a bit louder): Psst-
TS (still ignoring him): -adverse affect on your work and the work of those ar-
HP (in a normal voice): I've got something to tell you-
TS: -ound you. So we are looking to-
HP (loud): Stevens!
TS: What?! For God's sake, what?
HP (quiet again): I'm famished.
TS: Damn it! Fine. Give him the grapes!
(A man in a Hazmat suit brings in a dish of grapes and slips into the glass box Headpool is contained in.)
TS: Now, can I continue.
DP: See, this is the problem. He's like this all the time. Just won't shut up. Like the other day, I brought these four ladies home. Sophia, Blanche, Rose, and Doroth-
TS: I'm sorry, are you just listing off the characters from the Golden Girls?
HP (smacking his lips on the grapes): Yeah, DP loves those crones.
DP: You shut up! They are wonderful women!
TS: Umm...nonetheless, you were saying, Wade.
DP: So, yeah, I brought up the seventh season and was just getting into it when he's all, "Hey, do you think I could get somebody to eat?" and "Did you see that woman out there? Take me out there, I'm going to get her digits." Like I'm his freaking slave or something. And then, worst of all, he disparages Point Break!
HP: Those grapes were just great. They had a dry playful sweetness that really opened up after the first bite. A great appetizer.
DP: See, he's not even paying attention now.
TS: Head, did you hear what Wade was talking about?
TS: And do you hear how it makes him feel to have you ignore what he says?
HP: Who cares? The Fast and the Furious is a better movie than Point Break and if he can't acknowledge that, then I see no reason to talk to him. I mean even Rhino knows that no one in Point Break can come to Vin Diesel's meathead charisma.
DP: See?! Blasphemy!
HP: If it bothers you so much, why don't you go hang out with Cable again.
DP: Maybe I will.
DP: Whoa, let's not say things we don't mean.
HP: Oh, I mean it! Also, I'm cooler than you.
DP: What?! You're just...just a head. I'm cooler than you by definition. It's like science!
HP: Oh really. Is it science, Doc?
TS: I...I think we are getting distracted here.
DP: You're right, we are! What's better, Point Break or The Fast and The Furious?
TS: Oh, I don't see how that's really rel-
HP: I'm sure Blind Al loved to watch Point Break. Maybe you should spend some more time with her since she's so much cooler than I am.
DP: Don't you dare mention her!
HP: Or what?!
DP: No more snuggle time.
HP: You wouldn't dare! Tim, can you tell him to stop.
DP: No, tell me he's dumb. And ugly.
HP: We look the same, stupid.
TS: I think you both-
DP: No, there are subtle differences in our appearance. My jaw line is much stronger. And my eyes twinkle with devilish mirth.
|The Deadpool Corps|
HP: I ate your meat suit!
DP: What gives you the-
TS: Shut up! What the hell is wrong with both of you?
DP and HP: Wow...
(Look at one another, back at TS)
DP: That...sounded like aggressive, judgmental language.
HP: Yeah, it did. You said this was a safe place for us.
DP: It doesn't feel safe right now.
HP: Not. At. All.
TS: ...you're right. I'm...sorry. I was out of line. It's just...
DP: Save it. We're leaving.
HP: Yes we are. Insensitive...you are the reason therapy has such a bad name.
DP (muffled): Let's go prank call T-Ray.
HP (muffled): And then, pizza?
HP (muffled, more distant): Yay!
On April 7, Doctors Victor Gischler and Rob Liefeld will attempt to work with this duo. Please review their write up in file DEADPOOL CORPS #1.
Tim Stevens is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy Consultant and Doctoral Intern at a college counseling center currently pursuing his Psy D.
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